I spent the months of April and May fighting something. Dealing with daily stomach aches, clenching my jaw so tightly that headaches became an accessory. Grinding my teeth so actively through the night, I’m certain they are a tad shorter now. Needing extra coffee to generate movement in the morning and craving a margarita to smooth my edges each night. I began to think that my allergies extended beyond gluten to include happiness itself. I see now that my body was simply fighting the way I spent my days.
I always had smiles to share with the children around me- the day I don’t, please pull me aside and tell me that I am flat out done. It is safe to say that my ability to show joy stopped there. I wore a look of resignation, revealing the excessive resolve I needed to simply get through the work day. All of this was displayed on my overly expressive face.
Collapsing on my couch after work escalated into falling to the floor of my living room at day’s end. I was able to make it through the work day, but nothing more. Bad days began to carry into my nightmares. My time away from work quickly became filled with reliving the events of the workday.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, I remembered hearing Johnny Depp’s biggest fan say “Let go of the monkey bar.” Yes! I had become that child dangling on the first bar, paralyzed with uncertainty about reaching for the next bar. And I let go. Of the job that I’d fallen out of love with, of its handy financial accoutrements, and of the key that had become increasingly heavy in my pocket. In the same breath that I welcomed my freedom I was walloped by uncertainty. Where was the next bar? What would I do? I’d followed my heart, but had no idea where it was leading me.
I’m still not sure. I do know I am making space for joy in my life. Having cut loose a safety net that was becoming my straitjacket, I am rewriting my story. I play with children, create art, drive singing along with the music and smile the way through my days. I like these days much better.
Thanks to Bob.Fornal for the picture.