Losing Keys

Encountering locked doors 

in memories and dreams.

Covered with old scars

that I don't understand.

Stopping to breathe

working to forget the me

that i've been told I am.

Unlearning her stories.

Peeling back the layers

of perception and image

working to meet the me within.

"I've been losing lots of keys lately. I don't know what that means, but maybe I'd be better off with things that can't be locked at all." -Jack Johnson

Returning to the Woods

My lungs were burning angrily and my loud panting breaths sounded like those of someone who’d already hiked miles as I turned off the short road from the parking lot and headed into the woods. Our host had built a structure of sticks to point us to the path that he wanted us to walk. Lost in my body’s early struggle, it took me about a hundred steps to realize this was not the trail that I’d expected. My feet were not on the steep, narrow, made for goats Archer’s Trail that I’d fought my way up before. Instead, there were tire ruts and gentle inclines- we were walking up the road! I’d been to this wilderness camp nearly 25 times by now, and had spotted the road up the mountain no more than once. Relieved, my out of shape self settled into the walk. My huffs now dared to have a touch of confidence, I was certain I could handle anything that a 15 year old truck could also climb.

Making my way up the road to the lodge, the beauty of this hike at dusk pulled me into a daze. I had almost not come to this event. Upon receiving the invitation, I knew that I wanted to. Come on, a spelling bee in a mountain lodge on a January night, yes, please! I read, and then nearly sang the words of the invite aloud to my partner before practically skipped out the door on my way to work. I was gleeful at the prospect of such an evening and thrilled by a chance to revisit this place where I had so many wonderful memories. I could already smell the smoky comfort of the wood fire that would warm the lodge. I was wonderfully aware that without campers to care for, I’d be able to lose myself in exploring the displays of skulls, western history, archery tools and other artifacts that covered the walls of this deliciously rustic lodge.

Before hours of celebrating the possibility had passed, the critics who dwell inside me hopped up onto my shoulders and gave their thoughts about how I should respond. I remembered quickly that they’re heavy and opinionated little gits. “You can’t go to that, you don’t know how to spell. Remember, you missed the word cologne back in your eighth grade spelling bee?” offered a doubter holding a clipboard close to his wee little puffed up chest. Letting his words sink in, I felt my buzz of excitement begin to subside and was again the student standing in front of my school cafeteria being told my answer was incorrect. At that moment, the others chimed in, “You don’t know anyone who will be there. Or if you do, they’ll be from you-know-where and won’t that be uncomfortable for you...” “Psst. Hello, have you finished making that movie for him yet? That’s why he invited you, Snufflebrain. You’re just going to disappoint him.”  Running from all the thoughts this simple invitation had stirred up, I ignored it for a couple of weeks. Finally I responded on the day of the deadline, with a grateful acceptance that I typed rapidly as to avoid waking my inner critics from a rare nap.

The road turned again and I was rewarded with my first sight in nearly two years of the familiar lodge. The burning in my lungs eased as the path below me became flat and easy. Walking past the pump where I’d watched dozens of children learn a new way to get water during past camping trips, I smiled. Images of spilled water, tears, victory dances and at least one good spirited muddy battle flashed before my eyes. As I arrived at the lodge, I reached out to touch one of the trees that support the metal roof of its porch. It was no middle of the woods mirage, I was back! And the smells coming from inside were better than I remembered. Leather, exposed wood and the scent of a fire all offered the promise of warming my body after its subfreezing walk.

As darkness fell over the woods, bouncing flashlight beams approached from many directions and other participants appeared. Names were shared, distances of travel compared and then the lodge door opened inviting us in from the dark. Shedding coats, scarves, gloves and all of our other cold weather battling gear, we let our eyes adjust to the light and warmth of the welcoming lodge. People continued with their introductions as we fixed ourselves mugs of tea with water from a kettle sitting on top of the woodstove. Then Mark, our host and a well respected naturalist and wilderness educator, called us to our seats and explained the rules of the night’s Spelling Bee and Vocabulary Contest.

As soon as Mark’s calm voice filled the cabin, all those memories of standing nervously in front of people having to spell words correctly began to melt away.  It became clear to us that this was to be a night of laughter, wit, challenges and a mostly friendly competition of words written and checked by only ourselves. I crossed my legs, settled back into my woven wood chair, sipped my cinnamon apple tea and breathed deeply. Peace. Even better, peace perfected by the sound of British accents. I smiled, thankful that I’d ignored the doubters inside me and come to this magical evening. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wondering what some of the words in the contest were?

The spelling focused on often misspelled words, including:
penitentiary, questionnaire, nuisance, transferable, idiosyncrasy, and weird

The vocabulary was wickedly challenging. For most of us, it was a chance to learn new words or gain a better grasp of the meaning of words we’ve occasionally encountered. Here are a few examples you might like:

    amphoric
    pleonasm
    wamble
    fulminate
    saturnine
    dandle
    apostate
    passerine

I'm baaaaack!

Hello, friends. I apologize for disappearing as a writer, a reader and a tweeter over the last 20 days. I've missed the wonderful community that you are all a part of. During my time away, I've been quite busy. I've mourned the loss of a dear friend, fought off a funky cold, survived Atlanta's IcePocalypse and taken some important inner journeys. Thank you for being patient with me and forgiving this long absence!

I'm honored to have received the award below from my talented friend Emily of the beautifully diverse blog Broke Down Artist.  I was planning to return to posting today, and this was a lovely welcome back! Thanks, Emily!

Upon accepting the award, I'm supposed to share 7 things about myself.
     1- I don't believe a city is a real city if there is no river running through it.
     2- I love to cook when I am in the right mood.
     3- My childhood favorite color was purple until every gift I received became
         purple and then I overloaded and turned to blue.
     4- My favorite animals are prairie dogs, hawks and turtles.
     5- I once traded cheese sandwiches for peace in a holding cell.
     6- I can rock the game Six Degrees of Separation, if I get to use IMDB.
     7- I'm happiest in a hoodie, jeans and comfy sneakers.


Now, the pleasure of sharing this award with 5 bloggers whose sites I've recently discovered.
   
     Raw Food Passion an elementary school friend's blog about healthy living
    
     Queen of Arts  have you met the Rock Fairy? I adore the work this woman
                              does in the world.

     Becoming Bendy   a new blog by the fabulous Patti Digh. I too want
                                    to become bendy.

     Operation Beautiful  what if we all left one note a day?

     Gluten Free in GA....Finally!  okay, this isn't a recent discovery for me,
                                                     but if you're gluten free, you'll thank me!

Thanks to all of the fabulous people for the work they do. Go forth and visit their blogs. Enjoy!

 

First test of 2011

When I wrote that one of the four things I wanted to focus on this year was healing, I should have known I was inviting a challenge from the universe. January 1 brought me not a hangover, but my first cold of the year. The days since have been an uphill battle to regain my ability to breathe and swallow without pain. Two boxes of tissues, twenty one tea bags, thirteen vitamin C tablets, eight therapeutic inhalations, a chicken’s worth of broth later, and invaluable support from my partner later, I am making progress in this wee war!

When I finally kicked off the toasty sleepwarmed comforter and crawled out of bed this morning, I began my recently adopted cold blasting routine. A warm steamy shower to wake up and attempt to open my nose to this new day. Then, a new addition to my healing repertoire: a gargle with warm water, apple cider vinegar, honey and a bit of cayenne (Thanks for this idea, Shirley!). Wow! Trust me, that will go a long way to waking you and your throat up. I follow that with a bit of bonding with my Neti pot. After those thirty minutes of cold fighting fun, there’s little I’d rather do next than tip my head over a bowl of warm water to inhale tea tree, eucalyptus and peppermint oil. Finally, and much to my neglected cat’s relief, I sat beside her on the couch to sip my peppermint tea.

I have to say tackling all of those steps three times a day has taken about all of my energy. Thankfully, my love is just as determined to see this cold fade as I am. She has had her head buried inside our books about nutritional healing to find wonderful cold fighting foods and recipes like the cabbage, potato and garlic soup I ate for dinner and breakfast. Take this non cabbage lover’s word for it, it is delicious and almost as powerful as a dose of Dayquil. Thanks to her research and shopping efforts our refrigerator and my body are filled with all sorts of anti inflammatory, cold fighting produce. Leeks, bell peppers, cucumbers, radishes, lemons, cabbage… many of these are things I normally wince at when they appear on my plate. No wincing now. I get it. I understand that these undesirable tastes and textures are part of  the food medicine that will aid my mission of healing. I sit taller at the table as I chew determinedly.

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit cocky about my proactive approach to all of this. When *thwap* the universe threw me a few reminders that sent me right back to the drawing board. A well timed tweet from Dr. Andrew Weil “Exercise may help prevent the common cold,” elicited a few choice words from my lips and then a sigh of resignation. Yes, of course that is true. I know that and it is one of the “should”s that cartwheels through my mind regularly. I suppose that got my inner voices talking. I’d just about forgotten Weil's tweet, when one of them crept out on my hoody encased shoulder, tugged on my earlobe and whispered, “Hey, why are you only taking care of yourself when you are this sick?”

Palm to forehead, tail to chair… thinking material enough for ages. It is absolutely true. I have shelves filled with books about healing foods and remedies. I live across the street from one of my favorite health food stores in the city of Atlanta. If you have a question about what supplement would help with a certain ailment, I often know the answer. But here I am, only applying the bulk of this knowledge only when my body forces me to. I make do with daily aches and pains, joking that I often feel “like an 80 year old trapped in the exterior of a 29 year old.” The joke is on me if I don’t start applying the things I know during my daily life.

I am grateful that if I squint I can see the end of this cold approaching. I’ll spend some of this time sitting with the lessons it has brought me. I don’t want to waste the understanding I have of food’s healing powers. Even buried beneath the cloud of this cold, I feel the difference these whole foods and teas are making inside my body. I don’t want to continue accepting my “normal” achy, creaky, cracking, popping body. My healing mission for the year has broadened and I have this cold to thank.

Now, if I could only get this dead tree out of my living room...

Core

This will be the year in which I celebrate my thirtieth birthday. I'm determined to spend it growing into the me that I've long wanted to be. The words I've shared in my Reverb posts will be on my mind as I move forward each day. I've not made any resolutions this year. Even by itself, that word makes me cringe a bit, because resolutions always bring into my life a pattern of striving and falling short. Instead, I sat with pen and paper at hand and wrote down the things I will focus on this year:

Movement     +     Healing     +     Creating     +     Simplicity  

Sitting here and coughing the type of cough that tries to turn your body inside out, I am even more deeply connected with these paths and their importance. Each of these words is at the very core of what I want from my moments and days. I want the story that I tell myself and those around me to drip with the evidence of these things in my life.

I also created lists of things that will help me further each aim. For once, I've not written long and check box littered "to do lists." Instead, these lists simply contain things that I believe will keep me moving towards these elusive principles. I'll hand write copies of many different sizes and keep them near me. I will turn to these lists of actions when I am twiddling my thumbs or feeling trapped inside a storm of doubt. As I reread my lists this morning, I smiled, realizing they echoed and honored much of what I've already written here. This track that I am on feels right and worthy of celebrating.

As I journey through this year, there are also many intentions that I will hold in my pocket and my heart:

• making my intentions clear 
• talking to strangers
• reconnecting my values with my actions
• being my body's ally
• living my "one wild and precious life"
• celebrating everything
• give up toxic people
• making no excuses
• saying thank you more often
• keeping joy in the kitchen
• wasting less- of everything
• smiling more

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post was written in response to Reverb10's December 31 Prompt – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

Traveling Through

Reverb10 – Traveling through the defining moments of 2010

Hours away from popping the cork of a new year, I find myself quite grateful and relieved to have made it through this waning one. The days of 2010 have offered me more challenges and tests than I knew possible, but I'm still here. I sit here a bit dazed and sore from my travels through its tangles. That said, I'm very thankful to be able to leave it behind and carry the lessons it offered forward.

Just 365 days ago, my love and I were surrounded by boxes and the detritus of a move. We put down the box cutter and stopped to celebrate just as the city began a fireworks display to welcome us to our new home and a new year. Standing at the cold glass of our living room windows, we looked out and vowed to do things differently this year. 2010 heard us. It took that promise seriously and held us to our words.

The curve balls were thrown our way quickly and in rapid succession. Trouble at work, sick family members, spiteful cat urination, bacterial infections, a disappointing baseball season, increasing debt, 3rd degree burns, life flighted friends, too many funerals, the evils of dementia. Tears were shed, words were shouted, friends were lost and scars have formed. Still, we are here and have much to celebrate.

Looking back at the days of this year, I've found great joy in the glimpses of beauty that were previously hidden in these dark moments. Memories of a broken hearted man singing softly into the ear of my aunt amid the florescent, dehumanizing ugliness of a hospital's psych ward. Children playing basketball outside their home, while just inside the patio doors their parents cried. Missing the light that a dear friend brought to the world, I cherish fact that she died inside the church she loved discussing costumes she was designing for an upcoming play. In the grace and strength of these moments, I've learned so much about the person I want to be and the life that I want to live.

Tonight as gaudily lit globes drop from the sky all over the east coast, we will stand together at the same window and watch the fireworks fly above our city's skyline. We will raise our glasses to toast each other and these wonderfully imperfect lives we have.

I wish you a year filled with joy and all of the things you are searching for. I am deeply grateful that you are joining me here in this journey. Happy new year!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Written in response to the following prompts:

December 29 – Defining Moment 

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. 

(Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

December 22 – Travel
How did you travel in 2010?

How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)

Achieve

Reverb10 – December 28 – Achieve

Prompt: What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? 

How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? 

Brainstorm 10 things you can do in order to experience that feeling.

Movement. 

Right. 

stand up 

take a step

carry my camera

pick up a brush/pencil/pen

go to a show

join a show

say yes, when my heart wants to

do the uncomfortable

bend more

question my fears

Try

Reverb10 – Try

I want to try: 

Stretching. Healing.

Breathing more deeply.

Being my body's ally. 

Convincing my knee to bend again.

Laughing at my learning curve.

I've wanted to begin a yoga practice for longer than I can remember. I've bought videos and DVDs aplenty, but the only class I've actually attended was an aqua yoga disaster.  This will be the year toss out that passive connection and begin an active practice.

Photo Credit: LocalFitness.com.au

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written in response to the prompt: What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

Ordinary Joy

Reverb10– December 27 – Ordinary Joy

Prompt: "Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments..."

joy reached out to me this year.

arms wrapped around me,

hugs from strangers who fast became friends. 

phone calls from new friends

just as old ones faded away.

a network of support 

that arose when I needed it most.

 

unexpectedly, i also found

joy in some dark places.

hospital rooms, psychiatric units 

and emergency rescues-

my year was filled with these.

in them, i discovered i could step up 

to meet the needs of those around me.

often bringing a smile to others nearby.

joy also found me in other moments.

in the middle of forests,

holding paint brushes, 

cheering at my niece's game,

laughing with toddlers, 

cooking in my kitchen,

cuddling with kittens,

singing with Michael Franti.

it is the magic of these ordinary moments

that brings such richness to my daily life.

i am grateful for these sparks of joy!

Photo

Reverb10 – December 25 – Photo  

Prompt: Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.(Author: Tracey Clark)

Ergh. No amount of sifting will help here. I am simply always behind the camera. When I look through the pictures of my year, I remember how the scenes looked through the lens and have a chance to relive them. I found photos of my friends, my cat, my hands, my shadow. Images of things I discovered, paintings I created, people I loved and places I explored- each of these reminded me of their own stories. Pictures of me were scarce. I don't let go of my camera often, it is a security blanket and a curtain of anonymity. I like it that way.

This picture was taken during a date at the Atlanta Botanical Garden. My love and I spent the day there wandering among the blooms. We had a wonderful time and I see the happiness I felt shining through in my smile. The frog was kind enough to share his book with me for a moment. I suppose this picture shows that I am at peace when I am with the woman I love and enjoying an afternoon outdoors.

Soul Food

Reverb10 -- December 26 -- Soul Food

Prompt: What did you eat this year that you will never forget? 

What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Reading this prompt, I shuddered. I'm really not comfortable talking about food. Somewhere along the way, I overdosed on these discussions. See, in my family people talked about the number of Weight Watchers points piled on their styrofoam plates even as they headed back to the kitchen for seconds. During carefully crafted light lunches of chicken salad and celery hearts, discussions centered around cravings for the night's dinner which often ended up being a medley of favorite items from various fastfood restaurants. Weekly weigh-ins were a regular feature and trophies for reaching certain goal weights adorned the shelves belonging to the adults with whom I lived. These trophies collected dust next to the Richard Simmons "Deal A Meal" game pieces and Diabetes Association cookbooks. I've a long and twisted relationship with food. I know I need to work through it, but it is the last thing I'd choose to volunteer information about.

And so, as it often does, fate gets the last laugh. As a person living with a gluten intolerance, food now has to be a topic of daily conversation. I must investigate the ingredients and preparation techniques at every restaurant and friend's house. Even with strings of endless questions and the help of some very caring servers and chefs, I find myself sick more often than not when dining outside of my home. Absolutely frustrated by the pattern of walking out of restaurants and feeling my stomach already voicing its displeasure, I knew things had to change.

This year I chose to stay home more often and found myself quickly bored with my household's usual menu options. I set about learning to make the foods I once loved to eat at restaurants and the meals I'd not had since saying good riddance to gluten. Fortunately, my wonderful partner has been an energetic and adventurous co-chef during these trials. There's no one bite that comes to mind when I think about the year, there are instead hundreds.

Each week we headed to the farmers' market unsure what new things the farmers would have at their booths. Nearly every Saturday morning we came home with something we'd not tried before- often it was something we'd not even seen. Turning to our cookbooks and favorite food bloggers, we researched tips and techniques before heading into our kitchen with these new foods. Dandelion greens, chanterelles and shallots, kohlrabi, fresh oyster mushrooms, christmas lima beans, ground cherries, and broccoli greens are just a few of these flavorful finds. We came home with bags stuffed with these riches and more. Our favorite farmers' market closed for the season over a week ago, and I'm already in withdrawal. I'm so grateful for the farmers that kept our plates filled with colorful and naturally grown produce for much of this year. When the market reopens in April, I'll be there with arms filled with bags, skipping from booth to booth wearing a giant smile.

Our table wasn't just decorated with these beautiful vegetables and fruits this year. The experiments branched out beyond these healthier options. I baked loaves of fresh bread and experienced the joy of eating homemade bread for the first time in years. There were muffins, cornbreads, cakes - and they were vegan, gluten free and delicious. I tasted a fresh mozzarella that melted in my mouth and left me in awe. We made pizzas and relished the joy of topping them as we chose. There were dishes of macaroni and "cheese," butternut squash harvest casseroles and soups that we'd be proud to serve to any guest. My pride and joy was a pumpkin pie, handmade for the first time without store bought crust.

Looking back, I understand that we invited joy into our kitchen this year. Much to my delight, it came right in, rolled up its sleeves and made itself at home. Sometimes I feel it as I'm slowly chopping an onion into perfectly sized tiny bites. Other moments it is holding our shoulders as we sample the first steaming bite of a new dish or dance in front of the stove. And yes, joy is still there chuckling in the corner when I shatter a Pyrex measuring cup on the stone tiled floor. Perhaps with joy in the kitchen and at our table, I'll find more comfort talking about food. I now see that it is much more than something to simply be counted and portioned, it is something to be celebrated and shared.

Everything's OK

Reverb 10  – December 24  – Everything’s OK 

 Dark moments

fresh wounds

old scars opened

 ugly places

times of loss

and suffering

there is still

beauty.

Hope lives.

This picture was taken during an urban walk I took with an 18 month old pal yesterday. I spotted this lizard sunning on top of a black plastic rat trap. We stopped to watch the lizard and the lizard began to watch us. For many minutes we quietly stood and then sat there. My young friend was in awe, the kind of awe that brightens your eyes and drops your jaw. Unaware of the ugliness that the lizard was on top of, he simply beamed at this new discovery. I was almost able to narrow my focus too, then the wind shifted and the smell made it hard to forget the full picture.

Written in response to the following prompt. "What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?"(Author: Kate Inglis)

Time Travel

Reverb10 – December 21 – Future Self

 

Dear me,

What are you doing there lying in a snow bank? Get up. We need to talk.

You're wasting your time trying to pretend like you fit in. You don't have extra money to spend, the academics are no longer easy for you and you don't yet have a clue how to be a good friend. Admit your struggles and let the people around you help you (except the friends who have nicknamed their RA 'cunt face' - steer clear of that crew).

Figure out what you want from your days. Did you bust your ass and earn a ticket out just so you could spend your evenings searching for the party with the best keg? Do you really want to spend your time trying to find the right person- or let's be real, any person- to hook up with? When you catch up to me, those are not the quests you'll care about. You will laugh at the stories, shake your head and sometimes pull them out at parties. I know, I do this all the time. Instead, you will wish you'd listened to your alarm clock when it buzzed, asked for help when you needed it, handed over the car keys when your friends asked for them.

Reach out more. Don't settle for the friends you found during the first two weeks. Even when it seems impossible, your social circles can expand and change. Those people repairing the torn pride flags have a lot to offer you, don't be afraid of them. Talk to some of the people you pass on the street- you'll have some of the greatest conversations of your life. 

Stop eating bread. There's this thing called "gluten," look it up! Please.

Write your family more. They deserve it. Many of their hopes and dreams are traveling with you. 

Watch out for the tow truck drivers and telemarketers in your future.

Talk to Billy the Kid while you pump his gas. You'll still be wondering about his story 10 years from now!

Love, 

your slightly wiser self

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of the things that I'd love to open my younger eyes to, are the same ones I'll be embracing next year.  Authentic connection. Open mindedness. Action.  Days without regrets. Living fully.

Written in response to the prompt: "Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago.  What would you tell your younger self?)" (Author: Jenny Blake)

Healing

Reverb10 -- December 19

 Healing that I found tucked inside the days of this year:

 Music. Art. Pictures. Dreams.

Sunlight. Snowflakes. Wind gusts. Trees.

Tickle Monster. Dogs. Paws. Purrs.

Laughter. Tears. Stretching. Pain.

Driving. Children. Caring. Hugging.

Writing. Sitting. Listening. Walking.

Sunrise. Rainbows. Thunder. Sunsets.

Cooking. Painting. Ridding. Breathing.

Too Much

Reverb10 -- Lesson Learned

Prompt: What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? 

And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

Too much. I have run into these two words repeatedly during this beautiful and bumpy year. They are there when I look at the things crowding my shelves and mounting in piles on tables and countertops. They creep in as I over fill my to-do lists.  Without fail, the end of the day arrives and I'm shaking my head disappointed by my failure to cross all of the items off. The two words pop up again when I ponder the expectations I place on the people around me and in how I let it affect me when those expectations crash around my feet. Confession: I'm still hurt by the friend who couldn't drive me to the doctor because she had a trip to Ikea planned- in September.  Driving home from the farmers' market on this grey, rainy morning, I passed people who were carrying everything they owned on their backs and in their shopping carts. Sitting in my warm grocery filled car, my eyes opened widely. It is time to admit that I have collided with those two words over and over. I hold on to too much! Too many grudges, old wounds, pounds, clothes, cravings, half finished projects, books, expectations, self involved thoughts and commitments. Enough!

It is time for me to let go of this mindset of excess. When I look back on my days, I don't want to see clutter, disappointment, anger or exhaustion. I want to see colors, smiles, and memories of great moments lived. During this coming year, I am putting those two words and all that they represent out of my life. Excess is a burden I know longer wish to carry.

In another life, I had friends who lived as part of a community called The Simple Way. I see bumper stickers now that remind me of their work "Live simply that others may simply live." These words speak to me. I'm not moving into a commune and don't worry, I won't try to convince you to. (Unless it calls to you, of course, and then I know people.) Plain and simple, I miss the version of me that fought for equal rights. I miss chanting about the evils of poverty, fighting for everyone's right to housing, and feeling my feet and hands acting out my beliefs. I like my comfy apartment and my many gadgets, but I don't like living selfishly and feeling my actions and my beliefs belong to different parts of me. This year, as I put down my excess, I will lace up my marching shoes again.

5 minutes

 Reverb10 -- December 15 -- 5 minutes

Prompt: Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. 

Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things

you most want to remember about 2010.

(Author: Patti Digh)

During my 5 minutes, these were the scenes that flashed into my mind:

• the sight of children diving to catch falling leaves

• the first bite of my made from scratch pumpkin pie

• reading a book so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes

• being warmed by the breath of the small child sleeping on my shoulder

• laughing until tears poured down my cheeks

• holding hands with my love during the night

• dipping a brush into paint and then dragging it across canvas for the first time

• celeste

• going for walks with children and seeing their discoveries

• the heart stressing thrill of a Falcon's 4th quarter game winning drive

• watching the last moment's of Bobby Cox's managerial career

• playing with water colors

• my niece's 8th grade graduation

• getting to know new friends

• kisses from my hungry cat in the early hours of the morning

• sips of warm coffee on icy mornings

• the vibrant colors of the sunrises and sunsets

• the flavors of lemongrass, cilantro and coconut

• the look on my vegan love's face when she realized she was drinking not coconut milk but condensed milk~ our kind server had a beautifully thick accent

Time

Reverb10 -- December 14 -- Appreciate

Prompt: What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year?
How do you express gratitude for it?

i have passed minutes watching clocks

hearing each dull echoing tick

counting down the time

until i would be freed.

i had more money then

though never much.

i lost more sleep 

lived a lot of 

buts.

i
have
lost 
friends
and seen
many suffer
during this year.
i can no longer deny that
 our time is not guaranteed.
i am grateful for each breath
that enters my lungs. now days pass
and i'm too busy to mark them. i smile 
  lost in thoughts and wandering new roads.

Thanks to ToniVC for the beautiful picture. See more of this artist's amazing work here.

Towards

Reverb10 – December 13 – Action

Prompt: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas.
It’s about making ideas happen.
What’s your next step? 

My next step? Moving. Getting up and walking. Walking towards the things that I talk about, dream about, and crave in my life.

I will move towards:

sunrises and sunsets

playing in the woods

morning walks with sound tracks of bird songs

knowing where more of my food comes from

a stronger body

music and free myself to dance

quiet time with myself

time with other writers

the woman that I love

a stronger mind

things that scare me

judging less and opening more

buying less and loving it more

letter writing

creating things

filling blank pages

laughing with friends

hosting dinner parties

a kinder self

the childhood version of me

sharing my joy

understanding.

What will you be walking towards? Perhaps we are walking some of these paths together.

Alive

 Reverb10 -- December 12 -- Body Integration 

Prompt: This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body?

Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, 

but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? 

(Author: Patrick Reynolds)

 

alone
on icy cold vinyl

sharp sheets slipping off
metal rails building a cage
the needle pushed into my arm
liquid and pain pouring in
a fire storm beginning
banshees screaming in my head

 playing role of a good patient
i lay silently pressing the call button
hot tears flowing down my cheeks
alone, terrified

and alive

Thanks to vistavision for the photo.

11 Things

Reverb10 – December 11 – 11 Things

Prompt: What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

I could write for hours about this topic. I'm grateful that it has given me so much to think about, but I'll spare you most of my mind's raw meanderings. I have a Santa-sized list of things I plan to purge during the coming year. Those extra things that fill my shelves, drawers and closets are easy to box up and carry away. It is the other things I drag around with me that will take daily intentionality to put down.  Each of these distracts from the moments that I inhabit:

Pain, Doubt, Regret

Procrastination, Clutter

Anger, Worry, Complaints

Masks, Blocks

Avoidance

One of the most important and painful lessons I've learned this year is the uncertainty of life. I have decided to make the most of my minutes. I want to fill my life and, whenever possible, the lives of others with:

Joy, Action, Adventure

Change, Color

Art, Service, Learning

Hugs, Laughter

Connection

These are the things I want to see when I look back at my days, my year, my life. The others will have to join my old books and ill-fitting clothing in the boxes because they are no longer welcomed here.