Core

This will be the year in which I celebrate my thirtieth birthday. I'm determined to spend it growing into the me that I've long wanted to be. The words I've shared in my Reverb posts will be on my mind as I move forward each day. I've not made any resolutions this year. Even by itself, that word makes me cringe a bit, because resolutions always bring into my life a pattern of striving and falling short. Instead, I sat with pen and paper at hand and wrote down the things I will focus on this year:

Movement     +     Healing     +     Creating     +     Simplicity  

Sitting here and coughing the type of cough that tries to turn your body inside out, I am even more deeply connected with these paths and their importance. Each of these words is at the very core of what I want from my moments and days. I want the story that I tell myself and those around me to drip with the evidence of these things in my life.

I also created lists of things that will help me further each aim. For once, I've not written long and check box littered "to do lists." Instead, these lists simply contain things that I believe will keep me moving towards these elusive principles. I'll hand write copies of many different sizes and keep them near me. I will turn to these lists of actions when I am twiddling my thumbs or feeling trapped inside a storm of doubt. As I reread my lists this morning, I smiled, realizing they echoed and honored much of what I've already written here. This track that I am on feels right and worthy of celebrating.

As I journey through this year, there are also many intentions that I will hold in my pocket and my heart:

• making my intentions clear 
• talking to strangers
• reconnecting my values with my actions
• being my body's ally
• living my "one wild and precious life"
• celebrating everything
• give up toxic people
• making no excuses
• saying thank you more often
• keeping joy in the kitchen
• wasting less- of everything
• smiling more

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post was written in response to Reverb10's December 31 Prompt – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

Achieve

Reverb10 – December 28 – Achieve

Prompt: What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? 

How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? 

Brainstorm 10 things you can do in order to experience that feeling.

Movement. 

Right. 

stand up 

take a step

carry my camera

pick up a brush/pencil/pen

go to a show

join a show

say yes, when my heart wants to

do the uncomfortable

bend more

question my fears

Ordinary Joy

Reverb10– December 27 – Ordinary Joy

Prompt: "Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments..."

joy reached out to me this year.

arms wrapped around me,

hugs from strangers who fast became friends. 

phone calls from new friends

just as old ones faded away.

a network of support 

that arose when I needed it most.

 

unexpectedly, i also found

joy in some dark places.

hospital rooms, psychiatric units 

and emergency rescues-

my year was filled with these.

in them, i discovered i could step up 

to meet the needs of those around me.

often bringing a smile to others nearby.

joy also found me in other moments.

in the middle of forests,

holding paint brushes, 

cheering at my niece's game,

laughing with toddlers, 

cooking in my kitchen,

cuddling with kittens,

singing with Michael Franti.

it is the magic of these ordinary moments

that brings such richness to my daily life.

i am grateful for these sparks of joy!

Photo

Reverb10 – December 25 – Photo  

Prompt: Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.(Author: Tracey Clark)

Ergh. No amount of sifting will help here. I am simply always behind the camera. When I look through the pictures of my year, I remember how the scenes looked through the lens and have a chance to relive them. I found photos of my friends, my cat, my hands, my shadow. Images of things I discovered, paintings I created, people I loved and places I explored- each of these reminded me of their own stories. Pictures of me were scarce. I don't let go of my camera often, it is a security blanket and a curtain of anonymity. I like it that way.

This picture was taken during a date at the Atlanta Botanical Garden. My love and I spent the day there wandering among the blooms. We had a wonderful time and I see the happiness I felt shining through in my smile. The frog was kind enough to share his book with me for a moment. I suppose this picture shows that I am at peace when I am with the woman I love and enjoying an afternoon outdoors.

Soul Food

Reverb10 -- December 26 -- Soul Food

Prompt: What did you eat this year that you will never forget? 

What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Reading this prompt, I shuddered. I'm really not comfortable talking about food. Somewhere along the way, I overdosed on these discussions. See, in my family people talked about the number of Weight Watchers points piled on their styrofoam plates even as they headed back to the kitchen for seconds. During carefully crafted light lunches of chicken salad and celery hearts, discussions centered around cravings for the night's dinner which often ended up being a medley of favorite items from various fastfood restaurants. Weekly weigh-ins were a regular feature and trophies for reaching certain goal weights adorned the shelves belonging to the adults with whom I lived. These trophies collected dust next to the Richard Simmons "Deal A Meal" game pieces and Diabetes Association cookbooks. I've a long and twisted relationship with food. I know I need to work through it, but it is the last thing I'd choose to volunteer information about.

And so, as it often does, fate gets the last laugh. As a person living with a gluten intolerance, food now has to be a topic of daily conversation. I must investigate the ingredients and preparation techniques at every restaurant and friend's house. Even with strings of endless questions and the help of some very caring servers and chefs, I find myself sick more often than not when dining outside of my home. Absolutely frustrated by the pattern of walking out of restaurants and feeling my stomach already voicing its displeasure, I knew things had to change.

This year I chose to stay home more often and found myself quickly bored with my household's usual menu options. I set about learning to make the foods I once loved to eat at restaurants and the meals I'd not had since saying good riddance to gluten. Fortunately, my wonderful partner has been an energetic and adventurous co-chef during these trials. There's no one bite that comes to mind when I think about the year, there are instead hundreds.

Each week we headed to the farmers' market unsure what new things the farmers would have at their booths. Nearly every Saturday morning we came home with something we'd not tried before- often it was something we'd not even seen. Turning to our cookbooks and favorite food bloggers, we researched tips and techniques before heading into our kitchen with these new foods. Dandelion greens, chanterelles and shallots, kohlrabi, fresh oyster mushrooms, christmas lima beans, ground cherries, and broccoli greens are just a few of these flavorful finds. We came home with bags stuffed with these riches and more. Our favorite farmers' market closed for the season over a week ago, and I'm already in withdrawal. I'm so grateful for the farmers that kept our plates filled with colorful and naturally grown produce for much of this year. When the market reopens in April, I'll be there with arms filled with bags, skipping from booth to booth wearing a giant smile.

Our table wasn't just decorated with these beautiful vegetables and fruits this year. The experiments branched out beyond these healthier options. I baked loaves of fresh bread and experienced the joy of eating homemade bread for the first time in years. There were muffins, cornbreads, cakes - and they were vegan, gluten free and delicious. I tasted a fresh mozzarella that melted in my mouth and left me in awe. We made pizzas and relished the joy of topping them as we chose. There were dishes of macaroni and "cheese," butternut squash harvest casseroles and soups that we'd be proud to serve to any guest. My pride and joy was a pumpkin pie, handmade for the first time without store bought crust.

Looking back, I understand that we invited joy into our kitchen this year. Much to my delight, it came right in, rolled up its sleeves and made itself at home. Sometimes I feel it as I'm slowly chopping an onion into perfectly sized tiny bites. Other moments it is holding our shoulders as we sample the first steaming bite of a new dish or dance in front of the stove. And yes, joy is still there chuckling in the corner when I shatter a Pyrex measuring cup on the stone tiled floor. Perhaps with joy in the kitchen and at our table, I'll find more comfort talking about food. I now see that it is much more than something to simply be counted and portioned, it is something to be celebrated and shared.

Everything's OK

Reverb 10  – December 24  – Everything’s OK 

 Dark moments

fresh wounds

old scars opened

 ugly places

times of loss

and suffering

there is still

beauty.

Hope lives.

This picture was taken during an urban walk I took with an 18 month old pal yesterday. I spotted this lizard sunning on top of a black plastic rat trap. We stopped to watch the lizard and the lizard began to watch us. For many minutes we quietly stood and then sat there. My young friend was in awe, the kind of awe that brightens your eyes and drops your jaw. Unaware of the ugliness that the lizard was on top of, he simply beamed at this new discovery. I was almost able to narrow my focus too, then the wind shifted and the smell made it hard to forget the full picture.

Written in response to the following prompt. "What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?"(Author: Kate Inglis)

Time Travel

Reverb10 – December 21 – Future Self

 

Dear me,

What are you doing there lying in a snow bank? Get up. We need to talk.

You're wasting your time trying to pretend like you fit in. You don't have extra money to spend, the academics are no longer easy for you and you don't yet have a clue how to be a good friend. Admit your struggles and let the people around you help you (except the friends who have nicknamed their RA 'cunt face' - steer clear of that crew).

Figure out what you want from your days. Did you bust your ass and earn a ticket out just so you could spend your evenings searching for the party with the best keg? Do you really want to spend your time trying to find the right person- or let's be real, any person- to hook up with? When you catch up to me, those are not the quests you'll care about. You will laugh at the stories, shake your head and sometimes pull them out at parties. I know, I do this all the time. Instead, you will wish you'd listened to your alarm clock when it buzzed, asked for help when you needed it, handed over the car keys when your friends asked for them.

Reach out more. Don't settle for the friends you found during the first two weeks. Even when it seems impossible, your social circles can expand and change. Those people repairing the torn pride flags have a lot to offer you, don't be afraid of them. Talk to some of the people you pass on the street- you'll have some of the greatest conversations of your life. 

Stop eating bread. There's this thing called "gluten," look it up! Please.

Write your family more. They deserve it. Many of their hopes and dreams are traveling with you. 

Watch out for the tow truck drivers and telemarketers in your future.

Talk to Billy the Kid while you pump his gas. You'll still be wondering about his story 10 years from now!

Love, 

your slightly wiser self

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of the things that I'd love to open my younger eyes to, are the same ones I'll be embracing next year.  Authentic connection. Open mindedness. Action.  Days without regrets. Living fully.

Written in response to the prompt: "Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago.  What would you tell your younger self?)" (Author: Jenny Blake)

5 minutes

 Reverb10 -- December 15 -- 5 minutes

Prompt: Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. 

Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things

you most want to remember about 2010.

(Author: Patti Digh)

During my 5 minutes, these were the scenes that flashed into my mind:

• the sight of children diving to catch falling leaves

• the first bite of my made from scratch pumpkin pie

• reading a book so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes

• being warmed by the breath of the small child sleeping on my shoulder

• laughing until tears poured down my cheeks

• holding hands with my love during the night

• dipping a brush into paint and then dragging it across canvas for the first time

• celeste

• going for walks with children and seeing their discoveries

• the heart stressing thrill of a Falcon's 4th quarter game winning drive

• watching the last moment's of Bobby Cox's managerial career

• playing with water colors

• my niece's 8th grade graduation

• getting to know new friends

• kisses from my hungry cat in the early hours of the morning

• sips of warm coffee on icy mornings

• the vibrant colors of the sunrises and sunsets

• the flavors of lemongrass, cilantro and coconut

• the look on my vegan love's face when she realized she was drinking not coconut milk but condensed milk~ our kind server had a beautifully thick accent